Saturday, September 24, 2011
Sometimes I find myself stumbling along in life. I feel like there is no direction, no north. I have blind folds on, someone has spun me around and said "run". My days feel full of noise, noise, and more noise. White noise with no real meaning - no voices coming through - everyone is talking at once - everyone wants a piece of me. I constantly have that feeling that I'm not doing enough. I truly 'want' to do more, but just can't seem to do it. My thoughts are scattered, my house looks scattered, I'm scattered. I constantly feel like I want to run and hide. When I'm at work, I have that ever present feeling of being a fraud. What if they find out I'm not really very smart? What if I fail to help one of the kids? I feel there's so much I don't know and don't have enough time to learn it. I come home and the puppy has chewed yet another library book, dinner needs to be served, clean up the kitchen, go to swimming lessons, change the little one, clean up the dog mess on the floor, help with Maisie's homework, throw in some laundry, bathe a kid, pjs, teeth, story, repeat, make a bottle, rock baby, turn on computer - get work done for tomorrow for school, fold laundry, let the dog out, - I finally just lay down in bed. It's really only 9 or 10 pm but I just need the day to be over. But as I lay, I think of all the things I missed doing - field trip forms, meat out of the freezer, lunches for the morning - that never ending list. That rabid squirrel in my brain won't stop madly running around, next, next, next, next. I look at my life daily and wonder what the hell the problem is. I have a great job, good family, everyone is heathly. Why does it constantly feel like someone just chewed me up and spit me back out?